Day 3

Well, so far so good. Everyone seems to be talking to me, including my boss so I couldn't have been as bad as I thought Friday. I haven't been called in for a dressing down which is positive. Various funny stories have unfolded during the course of the morning and it turns out everyone else was just as drunk as I was. I wan't the only one dancing stupidly most of the night and everyone had a silly story to share. Thank God is all I can say. Damn you wine for creating such paranoia all weekend! I suppose they could all be keeping things to themselves for fear of not wanting to embarass me. Oh well if they are, they are and I will never know. It's not like I want to be here forever anyway. I will just keep my head down, and work very hard so that my boss couldn't ever possibly want to lose me, no matter how much of an embarassment I am!

One thing I have been thinking these past couple days is how I can help other people. I want to tell my story, tell them of all the things that can happen to you whilst under the influence of alcohol so they are better prepared to make a decision whether or not they want to take part in recreational drinking. Maybe I could write a book of my tales and how my love/hate relationship with drink first started? I guess it will help me by remembering all the bad times which will help me refrain from drinking in the future!

Day 2

Feeling slightly less raw emotionally today and physically able to move around so making the most of what's left of the weekend. A visit to church has hopefully helped me to forgive me for acting so ridiculously on Friday and saying so many terrible things to my fiance. I'm not a horrible person really, it's just the drink that turns me into an absolute monster. I'm like Jekll and Hyde.

A day with the parents has made me feel better - they always know the right thing to say. Mum says what's done is done and it will never happen again as I have promised not to touch anymore alcohol. EVER. Although I don't know how I will feel about a sober hen do and watching everyone else enjoy themselves with a few glasses of wine. At least I won't have a headache in the morning and will be able to remember the whole thing which is important.

Still having flashbacks of ridiculous dancing and cringing. I am absolutely dreading going to work tomorrow. What a silly thing to do get so out of control ata work do - I haven't even been here that long. They must all thing I'm a loser now. As it was I was struggling to fit in as they are such a tight0-knit team. I'm suffering from severe paranoia now!

I'll keep you posted on if I survive or end up jobless by the end of the day!

Day 1

It's half past nine and I've only just been able to eat something. The KFC we had earlier didn't stay in very long! What a waste of a day. I haven't done anything I wanted to today, such as the food shopping, present wrapping, and wedding invitation making. I didn't make it over to my parents as planned so I've now let them down as well as my fiance and they know exactly why I couldn't go over was because I was hungover. Dad sad that I didn't sound like my usual chirpy self. I hate the fact that they know I get into such a state. I guess I will just have to write today off and start again tomorrow.

Luckily my fiance has forgiven me for causing so much trouble last night but I can't help thinking that this has happened one time too many and that he looks at me with a hint of hate sometimes. How can things between us ever be pure? I want to be able to stand in front of him at the altar a good person. I feel like I've hurt him so much. I'm suprised he is still with me to be honest. I don't know how much one person can take. Hopefully on our wedding day we will be able to put all of the bad times behind us and it will be a fresh start.

I've been looking for jobs today as I'm too embarassed to go back in on Monday. I imagine I will probably get the sack anyway for my bad behaviour at the party and for making a show of myself and my boss and for disrespecting the fact that it was a work function. Big no no. Luckily a work colleague said she was feeling equally rough so maybe everybody was the same level of drunkness and hopefully I'm just blowing things out of proportion in my mind. Finger's crossed someone else did something more embarassing after I had left which will overshadow my actions.

How am I feeling today? Mortified. Let's hope tomorrow I can start to feel a little more positive and forgive myself. Church should help. It usually makes me feel better. Or maybe when I wake up tomorrow it will all have been one big dream. I wish.

That dreaded time of year

So it's that dreaded time of year again.... Christmas party season. While most people look forward to it, this is the one time of year I absolutely dread. Why, you ask? I don't do alcohol. It's not that I don't like the taste, or the feeling of relaxation that hits you as soon as you take the first sip. It's because me and alcohol don't mix. It doesn't like me and I don't like the person I become when I drink it. Even 1 or 2 glasses of wine leave me low and depressed for the whole of the next day and I begin to hate myself. So you can only imagine how I'm feeling today after a major drinking session at my company Christmas Do. Flashbacks of dirty dancing on the dancefloor with colleagues and acting like I was something off of Strictly Come Dancing, knocking over glasses that shattered everywhere, and leaving my handbag unattended with my mobile merrily ringing away going unanswered (my fiance had kindly driven for an hour to come and get me and had been outside for half an hour before I realised). Today I'm filled with embarassment, resentment and suicidal thoughts.Oh by the way did I mention that by the time we'd got to bed at 4am this morning I'd manage to have the wedding called off, threatened to kill myself and punched myself in the head several times as punishment for behaving so carelessly. This is what drinking does to me and not anywhere is this advertised on the labels. Alcohol is poison, a drug and I want to make others aware of this before they end up like me. It's not a one off, this is usually how my nights out end up. Well, today, I've made the decision that enough is enough. I am giving up alcohol for good. I can't do this anymore. Not to myself nor to my poor beloved fiance who has suffered with the aftermath for nearly four years now. Alcohol ruins lives. Today is the first day of my life without alcohol and I want to blog my journey to show others it can be done, to show them you don't have to have alcohol to enjoy yourself. I realise that it won't be easy and it will take a lot of willpower not to join in that glass of wine when meeting up with the girlies, or having that glass of bubbly on my special day next Spring. But I can do it, I have to do it. Follow my journey..................